RANTINGS OF A LUNATIC WIFE

My Children's chosen professions

Kids are very funny. My two are definitely no exception to that rule. At one point, I thought they were both going to join the entertainment industry and comediennes. But it looks like they have other professions in mind…

One day, I got to the daycare and the little linebacker’s teacher said, “Mrs. Lunatic, how do you keep your daughter’s clothes on?”

To say I was shocked would have been an understatement. Now, the child has stripped before, but only at home. She watches the Diva get ready for her bath and bed so she wants to try and imitate her big sister. But what the teacher was asking goes far beyond the little terror getting ready for bath or bed. Occasionally, she strips in her crib and “finger paints” her sheets. This is usually culminates with me walking into the bedroom with someone saying “Hi Mommy, looka me!” (Gagging and bath water running directly follow this).

According to her teacher, Linebacker strips out of everything ( if you don’t watch her closely) and then gets up on the tables. You heard right, she strips in the middle of her classroom and then proceeds to dance on the tables.

My response: “Hey, all she needs is a pole and she’s set!” Hell, we live in Vegas; she’s in the right spot to be a “Dancer”. At almost two years old, she actually has more rhythm than many of the dancers I have seen. One kid down, one to go…

Diva has decided she likes to mix drinks. We were at a football party one of our friends was throwing. He has a fabulous bar area. Diva was extremely interested in all of the cocktails being created behind said bar. So, our friend “Mr. H” told her to come on back and try her hand at creating a drink. What took place was truly amazing. The child started mixing, with Mr. H’s help, some “gredients”. When all was said and done, she had concocted a really tasty non-alcoholic punch. A splash of Parrot Bay or regular rum and it would have rivaled many an umbrella drink. Next step…FLAIR BARTENDING! They actually have competitions on Food Network for this “sport”. Diva’s cute and if she can master this, she could be very wealthy by the time she is actually old enough to compete in this profession.

Now I know you think I am crazy for suggesting it, but I have a cousin who wanted to be a “Garbage man” at the tender age of eight. I asked his parents, “What the hell happened to Doctor, Lawyer, Indian Chief?” I mean if you fail to make one of those, then okay I can see settling for garbage man. But where the hell to you go when you start at garbage man? Gas Station attendant? One of my closest friends had twin nieces, her dream for them? To pose together in Playboy!

I hope you realize I am kidding about the kids already picking out their professions. I would probably have heart failure if they really decided to do these things, (especially the stripper). But it did get me to thinking, what in the hell would I do if my kid did want to be a stripper or a “Hooter’s Girl?” I love their wings, and my girls will probably be rather well endowed (Mommy was a 36 C at 16) but to have my girls’ show off “their girls”? I cannot imagine being thrilled about that at all.

Thank God we have a few years before we have to worry about that. Diva doesn’t start kindergarten until August.

The little linebacker’s next big chore? Potty training! Wish me luck.

posted by Lunatic Wife @ 5:07 PM