RANTINGS OF A LUNATIC WIFE

I HAVE WHAT?

Okay. Yet another malady has befallen me. For the last couple of days my ears were bugging me and I have had a sore throat. It was so sore, that it hurt to swallow and even hurt my ears. Plus, my glands were swollen and I was congested. I finally gave in and went to the Minor Emergency Clinic. I like to go there versus the ER because the co-pay for my insurance is $10 as opposed to $100. The one I go to is 24 hours, so I don't miss work. The added bonus is that if you time it just right, you can be seen right away.

I live in Las Vegas, "Sin City", as it's known. So, if you go after dark, but before midnight you can usually be seen within 30 minutes. It's after the hookers hit the streets and before all the drunken idiots start fighting. So, Peter took me to the doctor at about 10:00 (I missed Dog and Beth's Wedding....but I digress).

I was called back from the waiting room about 15 minutes after we arrived and after the MA had taken my vitals, etc. I was seen by a doctor. I am describing my latest problem and then I add that along with all of my other issues, my tongue hurts. Yes, you read correctly, my tongue hurts! So the doctor looks in my ears, down my throat and at my tongue. He says, "You have an ear infection in both ears and 'Geographical Tongue' " I have what? I mean when I looked at it in the mirror, it looked kind of swollen and bumpy, like desert terrain on a map, but damn.

He then prescribes an antibiotic for my ear infection and says for the tongue thing, to gargle with salt water, avoid all acidic and spicy foods, alcohol and avoid smoking cigarettes. There should be no problem with the last two, I seldom drink and I have Common Variable Disorder, which, for me, manifests itself as asthma. He says if it doesn't go away in a week he'll give me a steroidal rinse to gargle with. Now, being an asthmatic, I know all about steroids. They taste like crap in pill form and in powder inhaler form. The concept of gargling with a rinse that tastes like dirty socks smell is far from appealing. So, I am in hell. Nothing spicy, nothing acidic....in short...nothing with taste....yippee. Today I ate toast, toast and....soup.

Now I had never heard the term "Geographical Tongue" but I think I have had it at least once before. I was about twelve and remember telling my grandmother that my tongue hurt and she said, "You need a cleaning". I had no idea what that meant, but according to either my Aunt or Mom, when she said that, it meant 'enema'. That was not going to happen. I don't remember how I got over it, but I do know that the proposed enema sure as hell didn't.

When the doctor said I had "Geographical Tongue" I wasn't sure whether or not to slap him for being presumptuous or respond by saying "I have Popsicle Toes too, what's your point?"

I have had Michael Franks running through my head all day long...

Don't 'cha know you got the nicest North AmericaThis sailor ever saw
I'd like to feel your warm Brazil, touch your Panama
Well your Tierra del Fuegos are nearly always froze
We got to see-saw until we unthaw
Those Popsicle Toes

Thanks Doc, for my newest diagnosis and the re-awakening of my muse. I needed that.

posted by Lunatic Wife @ 4:59 PM